{me} in a nutshell

i'm back

so yes, i took a long break from blogging. what can i say...other than i've been very busy taking care of my shrimp baby. he's wonderful, don't get me wrong, but i'm still trying to get him into a daily schedule so i can do my housework and take some time for myself.

needless to say, taking time for myself is a luxury that i can't really count on every day. sometimes it happens, but most of the time it doesn't. the good thing is that he takes naps throughout the day and he pretty much sleeps through the night. like for instance last night i put him to sleep at about 10 pm, after giving him a 5 oz. bottle and changing his diaper, and he woke up at 7 am. just in time to take his brother to school. is that amazing or what? yes and he's only two months old. go shrimp man!!

the only bad thing about the little shrimp is that whenever he is awake, he wants to be held. i can thank my mom for that habit. most of the time i don't mind at all because it won't be long before he's on the go and he will not need me as much as he does now. however there are times when i need to get things done around here...like doing laundry, making the beds and keeping up with my monkey boy when he's home from school. that's when it gets a little hard. especially on my poor back, which is blowed out due to the herniated disks, the arthritis in my joints and the degenerative disk disease that i have been diagnosed with. damn...it seems as if i have the body of a hundred year old lady huh?

lucky for me that i have a peanut shell that i can carry my little shrimp man in while i'm doing stuff or even when i'm out and about running errands or shopping. i bought it a couple of weeks before he was born at the new maternity store here in the grand metropolis that is temple...rAAAight. it is well worth the fifty bucks that i paid for it because i don't know what i would do without it. plus we always get attention and compliments wherever we go and women always ask me where i bought it. nice...very nice, as borat would say.

it also comes in handy when i'm working on making cards because he will only sit in his rainforest swing for a short period of time if he's awake.

he likes to be close to me i guess. or perhaps he just wants to be in the middle of all the action because he is a pretty alert little boy. i can already tell that he's advanced for his tender age.

funny picture huh? this is the picture that i'm planning to put in his yearbook when he's a senior in high school...ha ha ha. no, just kidding, i wouldn't pay for a whole page just so i can embarrass him like that. or would i? hmm...let's see how good he can be while he's under my care.

changing subjects here...i made a few cards while my mom was here.

since i'm a stay at home mom now i think i'm going to start making cards again like i us to before i started working so i can sell them on ebay and make a little extra cash. i'm sure it will come in handy, especially with the current cost of diapers and his similac formula...not to mention his baby gap and ralph lauren baby duds. if it weren't for babydaddy's good income, this little shrimp man would be taking us to the poor house...albeit in style. rAAAight.

well it is good to be back. i certainly miss blogging about my ever so interesting life...rAAAight..and my boys' exploits. i will be back soon with more pictures to share so come back....if you must.

shrimp man in da' house

announcing the early arrival of our newest family member...the little shrimp man.

baby noah elwyn garza was born on sunday, september 30th at 3:30 in the morning.

weight: 6 pounds and 9 ounces

length: 18 inches

he is quite the little creature...but i still can't believe that just a few days ago he was living in my belly.

we are so blessed that he is a wonderful baby. he is very calm and peaceful. i guess it's my reward for going through labor and delivery without an epidural. not doing that again that's for damn sure!

well gotta run now. i'm off to wake the little shrimp up since he tends to sleep through the day...and wakes up more often during the night. he has some adjusting to do to say the least.

letter to the editor

good gAwd allmighty, i am free at last. yesterday was my last day and i am so happy. just as a special treat i thought i would share a letter to the editor that appeared in our local paper....it really emphasizes why this social assistance bull crap is doing more harm than good. it really has killed the american dream for many, but liberals refuse to see it that way. i think it's because they're total tards....but hey, that's just my opinion.

I have a question for the people of Temple, Bell County and the state of Texas, as well as the United States.

I'm now retired and worked two careers to earn my retirement. I paid taxes on all of my jobs and had to pass drug tests in order to receive my paycheck.

The government doles out my taxes as they see fit. What I have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't people have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I had to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand that I don't have a problem helping people get back on their feet. I do, however, have a problem with helping people sit down on their behinds. Can you imagine how much money the state would save if you had to pass a drug test to receive a public assistance check?

P.S. The savings would pay for the drug screening with the additional benefit of possibly stopping some of the drug use in our society.

Robert Fitzpatrick, Temple

preach on brother, preach on...

what up?

nothing special going on in my neck of the woods today. i'm just rejoicing in the fact that it's hump day and i'm one day closer to my last "official" day at work.

yup, i put in my notice on monday for september 6th, but since i have some vacation time saved up...come august 31st...hasta la vista losers!

i can't express how fed up i am...with all the social service BS and the inter-office dysfunction. it is sickening to think that our tax dollars and charitable donations are being used on people who just flat out don't want to work. it utterly discourages me that said funds are being mis-allocated on those that are not needy...just greedy.

listen y'all...i have a heart. i swear i do. i believe that there are people in this country who really need the assistance. the elderly and the truly disabled. however, because there are certain social parasites that deplete the funds available...well, let's just say that some people end up getting royaly screwed.

and it is sad. and so messed up on many levels.

silly monkey boy

so i took the monkey boy to the park two weeks ago. he loves this particular park because it has a climbing wall and i love it because it's got plenty of shade. ironically, not a lot of parks here in temple have shade. some genius decided that it's best if kids play out in the scorching hot sun and get 3rd degree burns from touching the playground equipment. but hey, who am i to complain, right? i'm just a tax payer....rAAaaaight.

so he's out there playing while i've got my fat a$$ perched on a nice cool bench. nothing special. he's having a good time and i'm having a good time.

but then i take a quick glance in his general direction to make sure that he's still ok and that he hasn't found a heroine syringe left behind by a hobo or something. and there he is...scooting along with his shorts at his ankles. then he just totally flings them off..like ain't no thing but a chicken wing....i know i lost my shorts but i'm just gonna keep on playing because if i stop and ask my mom for help that ho-bag might get mad and make us go home. she's a beeyatch like that y'know.

moving right along here...because i've been going through such a creative dry spell lately, i've taken to stealing ideas from other people. it's no surprise that i love to scrapbook...i mean i have a whole room dedicated to this hobby for godsakes! but lately i haven't really come up with anything good. so i was inspired by my scrapbook buddy cynthia to create this layout.

i'm pretty happy with the way it turned out, except for the wonky scan that has the flower petal all sidejacked. so what i was thinking is that i'm going to submit it for publication and peddle the idea as my own cuz i'm an unscrupulous skank like that. rAAaaaight...that's how i roll.

btw...i'm totally kidding cynthia...totally. i swear to you that you will not see this layout in ck magazine like three months from now. no..not at all.

free association therapy - week 238

it's monday again and that can only mean one thing...free association therapy. i am having so much fun with this that i've totally cut my shrink off for good. so now with all the money i'm saving i can go out and buy more shoes. because everyone knows that before they ever leave a factory, women's shoes are sprinkled with magic "happy dust" that seeps into your skin (might be LSD..i dunno) when you wear them and makes you all happy...thus eliminating any need for real therapy. rAAaaaight.

so luna niña came up with a whole new list of words for this week. let me set the mind demons free..shall i?

1. Uneven :: boobies
2. Wonder :: bra
3. Spider :: man
4. Emma :: joshua's TA at bethune
5. Swing:: red swing at whistle stop
6. Orbit :: anus...yeah, i totally said "anus"
7. Flirt :: slut
8. Donation :: ronald mcdonald house
9. Veil :: apostolic crazy doctrine
10. Atmosphere :: hemisphere

as some of you may, or may not, know..i was raised apostolic. which is kinda of like being pentecostal because we (women) were not allowed to wear pants, make up or cut our hair...yada yada yada. basically you couldn't wear anything unless it was deodorant. and let me add that some women even skipped the deodorant alltogether....namely, sister dina and her daughter helen. they were by far the stinkiest! i swear i think i still carry a bit of trauma from those days.

anyways, as soon as i saw number 9, i remembered that wearing a veil was one of the doctrinal points of the apostolic assembly. it stems from a verse in the new testament about a "woman praying while her head is uncovered"...or something like that. i am totally repressing the exact scripture because i am trying to get over the whole thing. but let's just say that all females HAVE to wear a veil and if you don't the rest of the congregation gets to stone you in the church parking lot to cleanse you of your iniquity. or they gossip about you. whatevers.

the wierdest thing is that if you are a virgin, you have to wear a white veil. yes, even if it clashes with your outfit. oh the fashion sins that have been commited by many! but once you get your mattress super swerve wild monkey mambo on...well then you can wear any color you want. so if you're getting laid...you can wear any color under the rainbow...got that? but if you only wish you were getting laid...strictly white for you.

so one day i walked into church wearing a flaming red veil....and a big huge smile on my face....cuz i'm an apostolic slut! totally...rAAaaaight.

sweet evangelical gossip

my goodness. someone just got their holy ghost hair weave knocked down. and y'all will never guess who? here's a hint. she's on TBN all the time and she had a million dollar wedding back in 2002.

juanita bynum. yup, that's right...that money you sent in to TBN to get your blessing..well, it paid for her nuptials. but don't feel bad because at least she was blessed. and she's got the 7 karat ring to show for it too.

well, apparently the matrimonial bliss didn't last for long. as it turns out, she had the living daylights beat out of her by her husband, bishop meeks III. uhu...he put the smack down on her at a hotel parking lot last wednesday night.

and then he done took off. presumably to pray the rage off i'm guessing. but hey, a warrant seemed to be in order and apparently he surrendered to police this morning. see, now he knows that when you kick your wife's a$$, you have to stick around...you can't just run off.

you can't fix stupid

i received an e-mail that was forwarded by a co-worker and even though i typically just click 'delete' when i get e-mails like this...y'know because i'm like an exemplary employee and all (rAAaaaight)...i really wanted to share this with my net friends. i think y'all will agree that there is a new breed of stupid polluting our gene pool these days...and their stupidity knows no end, but at least us "smarties " can get a good chuckle.

How do these people survive?   Proof that you simply can't fix stupid!

1 - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

3 - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

2 - I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

4 - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5 - Several years ago, we had an intern at work who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of  typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6 - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back of the motor home to make a sandwich.

7 - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8 - Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connected it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9 - A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room because the kid had eaten some ants. The dispatcher told her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.  The mother said "Thanks, because all I gave him was some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid." REMEMBER...YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID!!!!!!!!! 

wild card wednesday - shoes galore

go ahead, walk a mile in my shoes. just make sure you give em' back when you're done, ok? because i love me some shoes!

in keeping with this week's theme for wild card wednesday, here's my small collection of zapatos (shoes).

and this is just a third of what i actually own. except the rest is up in the attic because my babydaddy stashed them up there by mistake when we moved into our house a little over a year ago. i guess there really is no point in bringing them down now since we're going to move as soon as we can sell this house. but all the more reason to go out and buy more shoes. rAAaaaight. miss g has no problem with that.

here's a close up of my top three right now.

these pointy pair make me feel like the shiznit...for shizzle manizzle. don't mess with me when i'm wearing these because if i don't crucify you with the heel, i'll kick you in the eye with the tip.

these pink shoes are cute, cute, cute. or so me thinks. however, i can't say that i wear these too often because they hurt like the livin' dickens.

i've had these gold snake-like shoes since...forever. literally. i was wearing them when i went out with my babydaddy on our first date. way back in the day. we hit my old stomping grounds...down town san diego...we had a lunch date at a mexican restaurant on 6th. gawd, i also put them through more than a couple of nights of some good dancing. don't think i could ever part with this pair. no never.

well TKW...go tell your sugar daddy that you need to borrow a credit card because you have to catch up with the rest of us, ok?

it's only tuesday?? really?

ATTENTION: there is a crazy bubble beard monkey man on the loose.

i swear sometimes i think he's doing this on purpose just so i can't get a half-decent shot of him to blog or scrapbook about. little hooligan!

changing subjects here...sorta, i would like to report that he is now officially obsessed with running the water in any frickin sink that he can sneak up to. oh, and in my big o' tub of luxury too. well, right up to the point where i "smarted" up and started locking all the bathroom doors, he was going at it like every frickin 10 minutes. i'd be minding my own business and then all of a sudden i'd hear the water running and i already knew what that hooligan was up to. sure'nuff..i'd catch him in there having the time of his short life with his hands (or a toy) all underneath the running water. like water grows on trees or something.

listen here wasteful little monkey dude, until water is free or the babydaddy leaves us (or dies, or goes to jail...whatevers) and we have to start living the 'welfare lifestyles of the poor and shameless'...you best better get over your mcbeth hand washing addiction, ok? because i ain't having it...ya herd? that's money i can spend at starbucks. allrightythen?

so monday morning rolls around and i have to host another one of my bi-weekly orientations for "peoples who needs to get their bills paid cuz they ain't got no job" thingamadillys. oh joy! there's two clients....whom i absolutely have to tell y'all about because if i don't i swear it will be boiling up inside of me and searing through my mind until i do.

first client, whom shall remain nameless for the sake of her own dignity, is a 39 year old married woman with six kids (yes, she's hispanic...what gave it away?) and she needs some assistance with her utility bill this month. ok fine. she walks into my office and proceeds to explain to me that the reason why she is unable to pay for her bill this month is because she had to miss some days off work because she just had surgery. allrighty, sounds legit. a surgery to remove a cyst from her hoo-ha she adds. huh? you had a wart growing on your vagin? and that if need be, she could prove it to me. oh no, no 'need be' my friend...no 'need be'..i'll take your word on it, so please keep your beaver under wraps, ok? i must add that this is not the first time a client has offered to show me their nether regions in an effort to uphold their honesty.

ok, client numero dos (2)...black, 46 year old, single mother of two who also says that she needs assistance with her utility bill this month. allrightythen, why? well, she doesn't have a job. hasn't worked since april because she decided to up and quit her job as a cook at a nursing home. oh, do tell lazy a$$. and let me add that she only worked there for like two months and prior to that she was unemployed for a looong time. well, apparently her reason for quiting is because her job was "too stressful" and she just didn't want to be in that kind of environment. rAAaaaight...a stressful work environment, how rare. can y'all believe that? she had a job that was "stressful"...unlike the rest of us because everyone knows that we all have cush jobs. rAAaaaight. oh, and to top it off they usto scream at her to hurry up and cook faster. the nerve...i mean afterall this is america, right? and being the fat lards that we are...well, we want our food NOW..go figure.

listen miss lazy....you aren't the only one dealing with stress on the job, okay? as surprising as this may seems to you...the rest of us suckers just stick it out because if we dont...we don't get to eat, or pay the mortgage, or pay our bills, or get our hairs did or get our nails all done up with the cutisie little butterfly perched on a rainbow with a miniscule crystal for a head design...okay? you know, the classy shit? rAAaaaight. would you imagine that.

furthermore, if anyone can empathize with you about wanting to quit a stressful job, it's me here. but y'know what...i wouldn't shed a single tear for you even if you held a raw onion to my face. wanna know why? because you should've lined up another job before you decided to jump ship. no one with half a working brain throws themselves over a wall without knowing that there's something soft to land on before they take the leap.

and just so you know...they were probably yelling at you to cook faster because most of the people in nursing homes can't wait around for long. fact is that they might kick the bucket while you're taking your sweet a$$ time preparing their next meal...ok? so nothing personal against you i'm sure...but "hurry up and bake them frickin tater tots beeyatch" is perfectly in order, given that old henry here's got one foot in the grave and the other one on a banana peel. got it? good.

so that's all i have for today....run along now. skidaddle.